Page 24 is the conclusion of a story that starts on 23. Both Pages of text included here for full context.
Page 23 Text
Now:
About 5 years ago I’m living in this community in California, with a very very beautiful high being, Steve Durkee, a visionary artist: a very beautiful guy, his wife and child; and I’d have the day off.
It would be Saturday and we’d go to the store, the dog, the babies we’d all get into the Volkswagen microbus. There’d be Jane, the gal I was living with, and her baby and me and Steve and Barbra and the whole scene going shopping.
We’d get to the door and Dakota (Coby) Steve’s daughter would start to cry. Well now. We gotta get to the store.
I have Saturday mornings free and Saturdays we shop. Alright Coby. Cool it!
Coby doesn’t cool it. She cries.
Well. Maybe we’ll go to the store with Coby crying or maybe Barbra had better stay home with Coby.
No, Coby doesn’t like that. She cries louder
Let’s go! Come on! Are we going or aren’t we?
What’s wrong with Coby?
She’s just being a kid.
Page 24 Text
Steve says:
What’s the use of going to the store?
It’s like what price efficiency?
What happened to the vibrations?
What happened to the human beings in that shuffle?
So we’d do this absurd thing
We’d all stop and gather
We’d all sit down & join hands round this little kid
We’d cool ourselves out
Coby would stop crying
Then we’d go to the store
And Steve taught me that :
If you get so efficient……
If you’ve got to turn off all the vibrations of the scene…
Because you’re so busy about the future or the past or time has caught you..
IT COSTS TOO MUCH!!
Commentary
I first read these pages when my daughter Lucy was one month old. They immediately became one of the clearest lessons in the book for me. Lucy is my third child; with her, I can operate with a certain sense of confidence and calm just because of experience. But experience does not prepare and enable you to stay calm in all the situations parenting a newborn alongside a ten- and eight-year-old.
With my kids, I always tried to operate with the mentality, “If you stay calm, the baby stays calm.” It’s a helpful thought but not very understandable when you’re ready to claw your eyes out in the middle of a stressful situation. This story gives me multiple tools to make that mentality accessible when I fail to remain calm.
There are three huge lessons here for me:
- I can’t let my ambitions block me from listening; the ambition must be presence
- If I work with my partner, we can help each other to remain present
- Negative emotions are contagious, but so is presence/ emotional awareness
The choice not to be present is a costly one. It costs energy; it costs relationships.
I can’t let my ambitions block me from listening; the ambition must be presence
You need to eat, and there’s no food in the house. You know how to solve that problem. “I need to get to the store,” Seems innocent enough.
But it’s not quite that simple; I need to take care of my child, I need to clean the bathroom, I need to pull those weeds, I need to talk to my neighbor about their dog crapping on my lawn, I need to get gas in the car, I need to schlep in traffic all the way there. All of this, I need to do on MY DAY OFF! Needs add up; needs feel overwhelming.
In a perfect world, I know exactly what needs to be done and exactly how I want to do it. I then realize the long list of hurdles I must jump over. I get angry that the world is imperfect; I put my head down and grit my teeth, determined to get this done in spite of the world.
When this happens, I set expectations of how things should be or how people should act; I stop listening. When people don’t do what I expect, I get annoyed. I try to force things to be how I think I need them. I find friction trying to force the world to fit our desired shapes.
Xinxin Ming’s first verse states, “The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences.” Said more directly, things are easier if I don’t get annoyed when the world doesn’t act the way I want it to. I do what I do, get done what I do. Having no preferences does not mean I don’t care about anything or if something gets done. It just means that I am OK with it if I don’t get my way.
I exercise this by imagining how I created stress in past situations. How could I have done it differently and have felt positive about it, or at least not have lost my mind? It lets me see when my reactive nature backs me into a corner. Over time it becomes easier. When things don’t get done or done but not to my liking, it’s OK. I didn’t start the day knowing exactly how it needed to go anyway.
I can make trying to get to the store hell, but I can also make it a pleasure.
There is no way I can get out of going to the store and doing all the random things, but I decide not to consider the world a hurdle. I focus on listening and being in the moment. I listen to what I am feeling and what others around me feel. I listen to what is possible without a fight or aggression. It is still the same four free hours in my middle suburbia weekend, but I am not fighting it; I am flowing with it.
Back to the problem at hand, I can Imagine a version of this day where I didn’t rush out to the store because I needed it done now.
My kid has a lot of energy today; I take them outside and make a game of digging in the dirt to pull weeds. I have a blast with them. My neighbor comes over while outside with their dog. They tell me how sad it’s been watching their dog age; the vet doesn’t think they will last another month. I clean the bathroom while my kid is bathing to remove all the dirt. It’s getting late in the afternoon, so I head to the store and find no traffic or crowds in the parking lot at this off hour. I buy some nice food to make tomorrow but decided that peanut butter sandwiches are just fine to have a simple meal tonight. I get home relaxed and have some extra time to play cards with my partner.
It’s not automatic or easy, but the world changes when I change my viewpoint.
If I work with my partner, we can help each other to remain present
Imagine a stressful situation. The stress is building up. The seemingly easy thing has become decidedly impossible. You are clearly struggling. Your partner comes up to you, trying to help, and they proclaim, “Just relax.”
😡😡😡
Your state of mind immediately jumps from, “I sure wish parenting was a bit easier,” to “What the fuck do you think I am trying to do? Why don’t you relax, asshole.”
No one can relax when being told: “Just relax.”
Side note: I am a horrible offender with this and have been telling my partner to “relax” for many years, not understanding how enraging it is.
In the story, Steve noticed an imbalance. They were present in the moment, witnessing others not being present. They didn’t just scream “RELAX!” They shared a concern, asked for perspective, and actively brought others into the present.
I can’t bring people into the present with anger or aggression; it can only be done with openness and love. I need to have an understanding with my partner that “I am sharing this without judgment or anger.” It becomes a loving call back into the present moment. Once in the present moment, I can see the problem clearer and how to work with the people around me. It removes me from isolation; It does not make the problems disappear but makes them solvable.
Negative emotions are contagious, but so is presence/ emotional awareness
You know when people are upset; people know when you are upset. We all have the ability to sense when something is off.
Often once I get that feeling something is off, I start questioning why; I start freaking myself out that maybe I should be upset too, or I feel anger that that other person has no right to be upset, “I did everything right today, damnit.” One person’s bad day turns into another’s easily.
In the story, they did the “absurd” thing of collectively pausing to step back into the present moment. “Cooling” their minds from racing between multiple problems. They did it overly dramatically by creating a circle and joining hands, but whatever; it worked.
Coby got worked up by watching all the adults running around stressed. feeling the time pressure of their reality of “too much to do and not enough time to do it.” The adults were stressed and not listening. Coby knew something was up, became uncomfortable, and started to cry.
The adults caught themselves and calmed down. Coby stopped crying and was open to taking the trip to the store.
We all wield this power without thinking each day.
I have repeatedly witnessed my baby’s reaction to me. When I am mindlessly reacting to my day; the baby is less flexible, more irritable. When I am present; the baby is right there with me. Babies are much more enjoyable in the present moment.